To all my sisters out there struggling with infertility, I see you. In fact, all my brothers and sisters suffering in any capacity, my eyes have been even more opened to the, often secret, pain all of us will live with at some point in our lives. I know the struggling is real and the pain of it all can literally take your breath away.
Empty hands.
The last two years have been the hardest in my life. Sometime after getting married, the baby bug hits you and boy, does it hit you. But the thing is, it doesn't always hit your spouse at the same time. So I (not always) patiently waited for Jacob to be ready and then when he was, started planning the nursery in my head and obsessing over every twinge of nausea or tiredness I experienced and expected to join my army of friends in first-time motherhood.
But it never came.
And it hasn't come.
See, this is the thing with infertility. No matter how hard you try, how many books you read, how many lifestyle changes you make, angry prayers you mutter through fallen tears, the fact still remains that you can't control getting pregnant. And as the type of person who has mostly operated under a "well, if I just try harder I can get there" mentality, to find something 1000% out of your control is uncharted territory, and frankly, terrifying.
Suffering through infertility, including a devastating failed IVF, I'm constantly fighting against a "woe is me" attitude; especially as I watch--what feels like--ALL my friends move on to their second kids and social media is always here to remind me of what I don't have. Can I get an amen? Hope is abandoned month in and month out as I'm reminded that I once again am not pregnant.
Why me, God?
This is a slippery slope--one us future-mommas are always fighting against I would argue. But here's the other side of the story. Jesus has been so gracious to me. When I let him into my bruised heart and weary mind and take down my pointer finger long enough to listen, it's always good. He's given me grace upon grace to see my situation for what it is--that it's not hopeless. He's given me so many loving people in my life to encourage me, and of course, in His amazing, unpredictable way, has used this situation to strengthen Jacob and my's relationship even more.
You take what the enemy meant for evil, and You turn it for good.
I have many down days and days where I can't handle another diaper commercial on T.V. much less, another pregnancy announcement....but I'm still here and somehow I keep finding the strength to keep going, keep researching, keep praying, and keep altering my perspective. My protective default mode is to not be very hopeful because, in some twisted way, I won't be as devastated when it fails. However, I'm finally seeing my defense mechanism is failing me. Who am I to question the Lord's plan and think I can predict the mysterious ways in which He works?
We throw around this word "hope" like it's something to be obtained on our own accord, something we lose and gain. That's why I was amazed within the past year when I read the true author of hope's definition within Romans 8:
"But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?"
I breathed a little easier when I read this. It basically turned my definition of what I'd thought hope was on its head. In fact, it took my fickleness out of the equation all-together. To me, this is saying that what hope actually is, is the absence of being able to see any "hope" within the situation, giving me freedom to relinquish the control in the situation in which I've never really had.
I'm here to remind you that the Lord sees you and His plans are greater. May His strength, not our own, carry us through.
Best,
Shay
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